Ode to toilet paper

Oh, wonderful toilet roll!
So versatile in your stunning range of pastel shades!
So irresistible to small yet conspicuously continent puppies.
You have many names: posh people call you “tiss-you”,
Others call you bog paper,
But all are touched by your wonder,
In a very personal way.

Oh, wonderful toilet roll!
So packed with limitless potential,
Thanks in part to John Noakes and the other folks,
Who made endless use of your essence in things they prepared earlier,
Such as elephants, castles and space rockets.
As I observed, aged seven, to my mum,
You’re for so much more than just wiping my bum.

Oh, wonderful toilet roll!
You are always there for me, eternal, never judging,
When I have a runny nose, or cut myself while shaving, you are by my side,
Your soft beauty conceals three-ply strength, like steel draped in velvet.
Loved by men and women, Andrex, the androgynous sex.
You are everything I could wish for in disposable, absorbent paper.
And more.